There. I've said it. Now what.
I am not really a victim. What happened help make me who I am, but I am so much more than the victim of those years of horror, pain, and tragedy.
I am not normal. I try to be. I really do my best. But I am not normal. I don't even know what normal is.
I constantly and consistently strive to do the right thing and to be good to the people in my life, as well as to strangers, animals, etc. I do not intentionally harm anybody. I know far too well and too personally how hurtful mere words can be.
I have never physically abused either one of my children.
I have never intentionally emotionally abused either one of them either.
But I am not normal and I am not the best.
I am not the best daughter.
I am not the best sister.
I am not the best mother.
I am not the best friend.
I am not the best wife.
I am not the best daughter-in-law.
There are no excuses. But there are reasons for the way I am. And there is much more to me than most people would ever know. I am a good person, kindhearted, loving, straightforward to a fault. I am shy, withdrawn, rather phobic and neurotic. But I am doing the best that I can both in acknowledging what has made me the person I am today and in helping me determine what to do from here on out to be true to my true self, leave the past while taking the lessons, and move forward.
I have extraordinary friends and guardian angels helping me along the way. Sometimes I think my mother is looking out for me by inspiring them to help me the way they have. I can never be thankful enough for all of that.
I swear to you, whomever you may be, that I love wholeheartedly and cherish all of the people in my life. And more importantly, that I truly, on my mother's ashes, since she doesn't have a grave, I swear to you, to God, to the gods and goddesses, that I am truly always doing the best that I can. In spite of myself. In spite of my issues. In spite of my diagnoses. In spite of my childhood that never was.
I do everything that is in my power to always, always do what I say I am going to do. Sometimes it takes me a little longer than it should or than I intend, but that is a resolution I made in my life years ago and have been keeping ever since.
I will never intentionally hurt another human being, even if that person has done me wrong.
I always try.
I always do my best.
I do what I say I'm going to do.
I don't like lying or cheating or people who would rather be "right," than kind.
I would rather be whole. I am getting there.
And you don't have to be perfect to be whole.
Jean said:
ReplyDeleteWow Danielle -- you are a very brave person. And I can attest there is no generic "normal". It is what normal is for you. My normal would blow most peoples minds. But then I am a parent of 3 special needs kids.
And I greatly admire you for that.
ReplyDeleteI normally wouldn't have posted this here, but there are certain people I want to know certain things. I'll leave it up for a couple of whiles (as my son said when he was a youngster), and then it will disappear. Hopefully, the people who need to hear what I said will have read it.
I'm thinking of writing a book.
Thank you Jean. But I am not brave, I just did what I had to do to survive. I told you I'd tell you the story some day, and now you've been able to read of the tip of the iceberg.
I also want the other people out there who are like me to know that they are not alone, and figured Facebook was as good a way to convey that message as anything.
p.s. My mom's painkiller problem was the direct result of her being abused by my father, too. Once she left him, she didn't need them anymore, thank God.
11 hours ago
Jean Said:
ReplyDeleteI say go for the book Danielle. There is a book called Three LIttle Words. It is about a girl who grew up in the FL foster care system and ending up suing them for mismanagement of her case. She is now a national speaker. I have heard her speak and she is amazing. The reason I say this is because I am sure it was hard to put all those words in a book but I know that some will be helped by it. I gave it to my supervisor to read and now she is requiring our whole unit to read it so that we don't make some of those same mistakes.
That's not a bad idea. The foster care system was not so good for me, and I wasn't a "bad" kid. No drugs or alcohol, no sneaking out, but it was still more hurtful than helpful, and I often regret not sticking it out at home for eleventh and twelfth grade instead of listening to the social worker, although she was the kindest people I have ever met.
ReplyDeleteShe was one of the three people who cared about me that went to my HS graduation in February of '83, from Burnsville, b/c that's where the foster home was. But I knew no one.
I only knew of one of the people who was there. I could see the brown and gold letter jacket stand out in the crowd of black!! That was cooll!!
Dionne loaned me a dress to wear, which is one of those tremendous acts of kindness a person never forgets.
Okay, my eyes are failing me again. No more writing for me tonight!
I REALLY need new glasses.
Gary said:
ReplyDeleteIf I could begin to write mine out so condensed, you might think it might read much the same...only there are different ,people, places, and events...some more a horrible nightmare, more a bad dream.
The good part is as you say, who I am was formed by those events, and helped to make me a survivor. It shaped the way I think, and because I saw the blessings beyond the nightmare I was able to move on.
You must do the same.
Thank you, Gary!
ReplyDelete