45/35
Ca y est, monsieur recommencer a gueuler. J'en ai marre de l'entendre donc je le laisse faire. Heureusement qu'il a trouve du travail (pas aussi bien paye qu'en France, mais du travail tout de meme).
L'autre jour un officier de l'immigration lui a dit qu'il n'aura sans doute pas le renouvellement de sa carte verte car il pourrait et serait naturalise avant que la carte verte definitive ne soit faite. Donc il est heureux. Elle lui a demande meme de soliciter du travail aupres du departement de l'etat. C'est la deuxieme fois que ca arrive, les services du consulat a Paris lui ont propose la meme chose, mais il n'a pas eu l'examen d'anglais. Je doute que ceci ne sera plus du tout un probleme.
S'il arrive a se calmer, tant mieux, sinon, je degage. Je le laisse ici, je ne divorce pas, je prendrais mes affaires tout simplement et je degagerais en Europe. Ainsi il pourra realiser son reve mais ne m'empecheras plus de vivre le mien, voir meme de vivre ma vie comme je veux la vivre, tout simplement.
J'attends un peu, qu'il me rembourse certaines choses que je lui ai paye, comme la demande de renouvellement de sa carte verte, et que je recoive une paie ou deux et alors, si Fabrice ne se controle plus de nouveu, ou depuis aujourd'hui, je prends me cliques et mes claques et je m'en vais.
Je prefere de loin etre toute seule et tranquille, que de continuer a galerer.
C'est pareille avec mes soeurs avec lesquelles on se prend la tete en ce moment pour des choses qui se sont passees il y a trente ans. Ca suffit. Je ne participe plus a ces conneries. Je prefere ne pas avoir de relations du tout que de n'avoir que des relations acrimonieuses avec ceux et celles qui sont censes etre mes proches.
Alors le plus que ca va, entre F et mes soeurs, le plus que j'ai envie de tout laisser derriere moi et de me refaire ma vie toute seule et a ma facon.
Ca suffit de vivre pour les autres, quoi!
Desolee d'etre enervee!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
One Governmental Waiting Game Down, One to Go
44/32
He was granted the authorization to remain in the US another year, so now he can renew his driver's license, but that his green card will definitely NOT be "renewed" for ten years, like most people's are.
He was all nervous and his legs were shaking when she said that. She then asked him if he'd be interested in working for our government. He thought it was a trick question. This is actually the second time the State Department has asked him to work for them. They did something similar, scaring him out of his wits, at the US Consulate in Paris.
Then she told him not to just apply to be a police officer in a US city, but to apply to work for a federal agency. Like I said, the personnel at the US embassy in Paris, after explaining his rights and responsibilities in marrying an American, especially one with dual citizenship already, had asked him to apply to work for them, but he didn't pass their English test. His English is a lot better now, so I don't think that'll be a problem.... See More
First she was all cold and formal, asking him all kinds of questions while paging down in his file online. She explained that immigrants are ranked according to country of origin and potential risk, from 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst. Fabrice is a 1. We don't even have to go in for an interview! We didn't have to do an interview in Paris, either, although we had a great chat with the woman who would have done the interview had one been necessary!
We were supposed to receive an instructional letter and receipt from USCIS regarding the removal of the conditions on Fabrice's permanent resident status. According to their site, said document was mailed on January 6.
Since we hadn't heard anything about Fabrice's green card which expires on Sunday, except an appointment notice for his photo and fingerprints, so I called immigration yesterday, who told me to have Fabrice make an appointment at the local office ASAP. He went there yesterday.
He was granted the authorization to remain in the US another year, so now he can renew his driver's license, but that his green card will definitely NOT be "renewed" for ten years, like most people's are.
He was all nervous and his legs were shaking when she said that. She then asked him if he'd be interested in working for our government. He thought it was a trick question. This is actually the second time the State Department has asked him to work for them. They did something similar, scaring him out of his wits, at the US Consulate in Paris.
So he explained that he was hoping to apply for naturalization after the requisite 3 years. To which she told him that she was making an exception in his file, allowing him to apply for naturalization 90 days earlier than he was supposed to, on October 31, 2010, to be exact. She explained that the year extension allowing him to remain in the US and work here legally until January 24, 2011, will run out and his green card authorization would thus be granted after he is given US citizenship. So his green card won't be renewed because she is of the belief, that, so long as he doesn't get arrested for anything here, he will be granted US citizenship before the processing of the green card renewal is complete!!!
Then she told him not to just apply to be a police officer in a US city, but to apply to work for a federal agency. Like I said, the personnel at the US embassy in Paris, after explaining his rights and responsibilities in marrying an American, especially one with dual citizenship already, had asked him to apply to work for them, but he didn't pass their English test. His English is a lot better now, so I don't think that'll be a problem.... See More
Now, financially, we still might have to go back to France. It depends on if I get my job or not, but Fabrice is very excited and very relieved.
To top it off, the immigration officer told him, "Here there are no problems, only solutions." Can you believe that??!!!
First she was all cold and formal, asking him all kinds of questions while paging down in his file online. She explained that immigrants are ranked according to country of origin and potential risk, from 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst. Fabrice is a 1. We don't even have to go in for an interview! We didn't have to do an interview in Paris, either, although we had a great chat with the woman who would have done the interview had one been necessary!
Now we have to wait on my thing, which I am honestly NOT expecting to get. Then we decide whether Fabrice can convince me to stay here with our current circumstances, or not. He wants to stay until he gets his citizenship, but somehow that seems like a very long time to stay put with the way things are right now. We shall see, though.
At least he has too many jobs for the time being, and doesn't have to leave the country by Monday!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Broken Pieces
Buried Treasure
In my heart? . . . unspoken feelings.
In my mind? . . . words left unsaid.
In my dreams? . . . our happy endings.
In my life? . . . actions, untaken;
gestures, unmade;
thoughts, unmentioned; and
feelings I was too broken to share
. . . with anyone.
Alone here,
In the autumn of my days;
Holding tight to all I failed to do, for fear . . .
. . . of success,
. . . of love, and
. . . of peace . . .
In the shelter of that fear,
I gather the pieces;
Cobble them together,
in secret;
Bury them away,
in my heart and mind;
and then, leave them,
in safety,
and in darkness . . .
They cannot grow,
or flourish, but,
No one can shatter the pieces of me
if they cannot be reached;
Not if I do not share
what makes me, me,
with anyone,
ever,
again. . . . Right?
Tender, fragile pieces,
of the treasure I once was . . .
. . . quiet, secret feelings,
. . . unspoken words,
. . . happy endings
that will never be.
The pieces? . . . all that's left,
of a hope-filled little girl . . .
They're my buried treasure . . .
. . . and the map is all the world.
************************************************
That is who, or what, I am. . . broken pieces. . . buried treasure. . . a solitary piece of blue beach glass. . .
I Was Wrong
I thought that I was bad.
I thought that I was stupid.
I thought that I was ugly,
in my heart
and in my soul.
I thought I'd never make it.
I thought I couldn't do it, alone;
especially
not
alone.
I thought I didn't have it in me.
I thought I was a bitch.
I thought that I would never
ever
feel good
about myself,
or anybody else.
I thought I was a failure.
I thought I'd never win.
I thought that I had lost the game
before it had
even
begun.
I thought a lot of things.
I thought a lot of things, let me tell you!
I thought a lot of things.
But...
...I was wrong.
I thought that I was stupid.
I thought that I was ugly,
in my heart
and in my soul.
I thought I'd never make it.
I thought I couldn't do it, alone;
especially
not
alone.
I thought I didn't have it in me.
I thought I was a bitch.
I thought that I would never
ever
feel good
about myself,
or anybody else.
I thought I was a failure.
I thought I'd never win.
I thought that I had lost the game
before it had
even
begun.
I thought a lot of things.
I thought a lot of things, let me tell you!
I thought a lot of things.
But...
...I was wrong.
On "My Baby Has Rainbow Hair" by Mark Morford
My friend, Thomas, sent me this interesting article about modern-day family structures, especially in San Francisco. It is a well-written, thought-provoking piece, and I thought I would share it.
We do know one thing. There are only a few key ingredients that work every single time. They are: stability, deep love, laughter, honest communication, solid boundaries, human kindness, balance and chocolate ice cream. That's about it. There is only the impulse to love and connect and carry on. And maybe, now and then, a good hot bath.
I think that is a list to live by, no matter the nature of your relationship:
- Stability
- Deep Love
- Laughter
- Honest Communication
- Solid Boundaries
- Human Kindness
- Balance
- Chocolate Ice Cream
Here's the article in its entirety for your reading pleasure:
My Baby Has Rainbow Hair
Gay parents, solo moms, sperm-swappin' friends. It's alternative-family bliss! Or is it?
- By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist Wednesday, April 12, 2006
I have a friend who has a very young and beautiful son with a woman to whom he is not married or even dating and with whom he has never actually had sex because he is quite perfectly in love with someone else and she is quite perfectly single and, well, it's sort of out of the question.
My friend, however, he has good sperm. He is, as they say, good breedstock. This seems to be the general consensus. He is light and luminous and strong and tall and beautiful and his apparent spermal excellence is evidenced by the fact that the mother of their happy beautiful child would very much like to have another child using another dose of the high-quality DNA of my friend. And so would, he tells me, two other women.
It is a proposal he is quite modestly and humbly considering, given how my friend is open hearted and generous and also because he has been, to his peaceful dismay, only requested to act as casual and hush-hush (but still wonderful) part-time quasi-parent with his first child. Such is the way.
It is a situation that, as you might imagine, creates all manner of curious parenting dynamics and intriguing emotional conflicts, messy and wonderful and strange. And my friend is, of course, far from alone.
This is San Francisco. This is what you do. Modern twists on the staid ol' family format are much more accepted and expected in this glorious liberal bubble of progress and experimentation, and few people raise an eyebrow when they hear of happily unusual breeding practices that casually flaunt traditional pseudo-Christian 50-percent-divorce-rate nuclear family values.
I know unmarried, fortysomething women who very much want babies and who have yet to meet the right guy and so have naturally considered the semi-creepy world of sperm banks or asking friends or maybe posting something unusual on Craigslist. I know kinky polyamorous couples who are working toward babydom, on their own terms, multiple lovers intact. I know of lesbian couples who've adopted boy babies and gay male couples who've adopted girl babies and straight couples who've adopted baffled toddlers from China.
I know of all types of couples -- gay, straight and in between -- who've brought in surrogate mothers or sperm-donatin' friends and swapped eggs and semen and vials and tubes and syringes and fertilization tips and laughter and cocktails and it's all good and happy and progressive until someone loses a zygote.
Such giddy rearrangement of the traditional family pieces is a terrific and good thing, overall, despite (or perhaps exactly because of) how much consternation and pain such reconfiguration induces in the vicious religious right. Because the fact is, by almost any measure, the traditional, man-woman, Christian family configuration has been an abject failure, an utter embarrassment to time and culture and the art of favorable statistics. Oh yes it has.
Show me a single scientific experiment where fully 50 percent of the results turn out negative and induce collapse and emotional breakdown and childhood therapy and Xanax and alcoholism and screaming, and I'll show you a scientist who will quickly scrap the whole thing and start all over. Which is not to say it's not one hell of a lot of wicked fun to try anyway, should you be wired that way. You just gotta know your odds.
But then it appears the quirky alt-family options aren't exactly gilded slabs of congenial bliss, either. Seems a funny thing happened on the way to the alternative family: People still have issues. People still have just a tremendous number of hang-ups and emotional dramas regarding family and babies and who the hell gets to shape and mold and influence the consciousness of another human life. Go figure.
This is what we're learning: It does not matter if you're Christian or gay or bi, Mormon or neocon or a rainbow-colored leather-clad bear with hair where your legs used to be. Issues arise. Emotions tumble forth. There is, apparently, no perfect way. There is no ideal family structure and quit pointing to your Bible before you hurt yourself -- rule No. 1 in all matters reproductive: Never trust musty dogmatic mythology written by angry old men who never had sex. Duh.
We do know one thing. There are only a few key ingredients that work every single time. They are: stability, deep love, laughter, honest communication, solid boundaries, human kindness, balance and chocolate ice cream. That's about it. There is only the impulse to love and connect and carry on. And maybe, now and then, a good hot bath.
For awhile, my friend was troubled by the fact that he was supposed to be close with his child and help take care of him and celebrate their love, and yet has been instructed not to tell anyone he's the father because, well, the mother had issues (they later revised this plan after realizing that hiding such significant details from this child would only screw him up and induce resentment and possibly turn him Republican, so they invented a bed-time story telling of his charmed birth and his loving community and how they all lived happily ever after).
Then again, a wonderful lesbian couple I know used the sperm of a gay friend to become pregnant and have given birth, only to suffer a major falling-out with the donor, and now he wants access to the kid, which violates the spirit of their agreement and hence he and the couple hate each other and no one's the slightest bit happy.
It can get convoluted. Sperm-bank kids may never know a thing like a father exists or that mom was just too, um, "unique" to find a mate. Spouses of egg or sperm donors can become crazy-jealous that their lover shared such intimate genetics with another, and hence marriages get ruined and relationships get tangled and none of this even touches on what happens when the kid comes of age and wants to know what the hell is going on -- and by the way, Where's Dad?
For every success story in the alternative-family sphere, there's a debilitating wrinkle. It is perhaps no better -- or worse -- than traditional structures. But for every major falling-out and nasty emotional entanglement, there's a mad success story resulting in a glorious kid (or three) who will be raised with a funky and fresh perspective on family and parenting which, oh my God, we so desperately need in this culture right now that we might as well be in a desert pleading for water.
It would seem there is no escaping the human drama. It would seem there is no way around personal issues of life and sperm and DNA and pulse. You may thump your revisionist Bible, you may cite your lopsided studies, you may wave your freak flags high, but the truth is, we are here on this planet to work toward the new. We are here to adapt and evolve and try to clue into the Mystery. And playing with reproduction and family structure is one hell of an often glorious, often tortuous way to do exactly that. What, you thought we were all done? Not even close.
J'avais tort (Traduit de l'anglais par Danielle Sainton et Julie Kertesz)
Je me croyais mauvaise.
Je me sentais stupide.
Je m'imaginais moche,
dans mon cœur
dans mon âme.
Je m'imaginais incapable de réussir
Incapable de traverser seule;
surtout
pas
seule.
Je m’imaginais jamais réussir.
J'avais cru même être salope.
Je pensais être incapable
de trouver
du bien
chez moi
ou chez les autres.
Je pensais avoir ratée.
Je me voyais incapable de gagner.
Je pensais avoir perdu la partie
avant qu’il
n’ait même commencé.
Je croyais beaucoup de choses.
Je croyais beaucoup de choses, je t’en dis!
Je croyais beaucoup de choses.
Mais…
j’avais tort.
Je me sentais stupide.
Je m'imaginais moche,
dans mon cœur
dans mon âme.
Je m'imaginais incapable de réussir
Incapable de traverser seule;
surtout
pas
seule.
Je m’imaginais jamais réussir.
J'avais cru même être salope.
Je pensais être incapable
de trouver
du bien
chez moi
ou chez les autres.
Je pensais avoir ratée.
Je me voyais incapable de gagner.
Je pensais avoir perdu la partie
avant qu’il
n’ait même commencé.
Je croyais beaucoup de choses.
Je croyais beaucoup de choses, je t’en dis!
Je croyais beaucoup de choses.
Mais…
j’avais tort.
Maddie's Run Away
Maddie's Run Away
Originally uploaded by Nana Sainton
Letter my youngest niece left last summer when she ran away to the shed in the backyard.
I thought it was the cutest thing in the world, and a nice parallel to her sister's note which I will post shortly.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Resolutions, Learning to Be Lazy, and Letting Yourself Live
The Lazy Manifesto:
http://zenhabits.net/2009/
34/20
It's great, isn't it? I got it from Sanquinetta's wall, and thought it was great. This is stuff I'm not so good at, but am trying to do in the new year, as the only resolution I've made has been to try to LIVE my life instead of always waiting for something and watching the years go by calmly and frightenedly.
Letting go (of things, issues, people, toxicity, relationships, etc.,) isn't something I'm good at, and neither is relaxing. I always have been a total shy, terrified, stressball, and this kind of stuff, plus Dawn are just what I need as inspiration in my resolution to LIVE, as it involves trying to let go, trying not to take everything SO damn seriously and so dang personally, facing my fears (1 by 1, because I have a LOT, I'm like a female version of Monk who doesn't even leave her house to go to work!!!), interacting with people (I actually might go to Bogart's Friday night after all), and no longer wearing only white bras (here's to you, Dawn!).
So, anyway, this article has already been posted to my blog, and I'm going to print it out to have on hand to remind me that I need to live my life, and appreciate it while I can, so as not to waste any more time. That includes letting myself be lazy, not working 7 days a week, spending time with friends and family, not thinking I need my dad's permission (since he never would have given it, I don't allow myself to go out, go on vacation, go shopping for myself, etc.) to go out, go on vacation, go shopping for myself, etc.
With all my fears, foibles, debilitating shyness, neuroses and phobias, among other issues, this is not proving to be an easy task, but I am taking baby steps, just like Bill Murray in "What About Bob?," and I have kept my resolution so far, 12 days into the new year! LOL!!!!
It all goes along with what Dawn said about my bra, Monk (really, he is me, or I am him), and the following poem by Merritt Malloy, which is what inspired me to leave MN, leave a toxic relationship, leave a dead-end job, and go back to school in 2002:
Choices
All you have to do
to change your life
is to change your mind
...it really is that simple
But
it isn't always easy.
All you have to do
to stop feeling bad
is to start feeling good
But
"feeling good" is not a one-time event
It is a decision we make
minute by minute
day by day
...It is a creation.
The way to change the world
is to change
your attitude towards it
...not just once,
but all the time.
Merrit Malloy, From My Song for Him Who Never Sang for Me
http://zenhabits.net/2009/
34/20
It's great, isn't it? I got it from Sanquinetta's wall, and thought it was great. This is stuff I'm not so good at, but am trying to do in the new year, as the only resolution I've made has been to try to LIVE my life instead of always waiting for something and watching the years go by calmly and frightenedly.
Letting go (of things, issues, people, toxicity, relationships, etc.,) isn't something I'm good at, and neither is relaxing. I always have been a total shy, terrified, stressball, and this kind of stuff, plus Dawn are just what I need as inspiration in my resolution to LIVE, as it involves trying to let go, trying not to take everything SO damn seriously and so dang personally, facing my fears (1 by 1, because I have a LOT, I'm like a female version of Monk who doesn't even leave her house to go to work!!!), interacting with people (I actually might go to Bogart's Friday night after all), and no longer wearing only white bras (here's to you, Dawn!).
So, anyway, this article has already been posted to my blog, and I'm going to print it out to have on hand to remind me that I need to live my life, and appreciate it while I can, so as not to waste any more time. That includes letting myself be lazy, not working 7 days a week, spending time with friends and family, not thinking I need my dad's permission (since he never would have given it, I don't allow myself to go out, go on vacation, go shopping for myself, etc.) to go out, go on vacation, go shopping for myself, etc.
With all my fears, foibles, debilitating shyness, neuroses and phobias, among other issues, this is not proving to be an easy task, but I am taking baby steps, just like Bill Murray in "What About Bob?," and I have kept my resolution so far, 12 days into the new year! LOL!!!!
It all goes along with what Dawn said about my bra, Monk (really, he is me, or I am him), and the following poem by Merritt Malloy, which is what inspired me to leave MN, leave a toxic relationship, leave a dead-end job, and go back to school in 2002:
Choices
All you have to do
to change your life
is to change your mind
...it really is that simple
But
it isn't always easy.
All you have to do
to stop feeling bad
is to start feeling good
But
"feeling good" is not a one-time event
It is a decision we make
minute by minute
day by day
...It is a creation.
The way to change the world
is to change
your attitude towards it
...not just once,
but all the time.
Merrit Malloy, From My Song for Him Who Never Sang for Me
Monday, January 11, 2010
The Lazy Manifesto: Do Less. Then, Do Even Less. (@ zenhabits simple productivity) (34/18)
The Lazy Manifesto: Do Less. Then, Do Even Less.
Do less. Be lazy.
“Practice not-doing and everything will fall into place.” - Lao Tzu
Post written by Leo Babauta. Follow me on Twitter.
How many of us don’t get lazy every now and then? Of course, some of us get lazy more than others — my mom (always a hard worker) once told me she gets lazy, but then she just does the work anyway. I replied, “Mom, that’s not lazy! That’s the opposite of lazy!”Lazy is often seen as a bad thing, but I disagree. Lazy is an amazing thing.
Here’s just a few reasons why:
- Lazy means that your body and mind are tired and want to rest. That’s a sign that you should actually rest. When you ignore these signs, that leads to burnout. So rest, and feel good about it!
- Lazy means you don’t want to work too hard, which often leads to figuring out how to do less work. Just about all of the advances in technology come from laziness: we drive cars instead of walking because we’re too lazy to walk, we use washing machines because we’re too lazy to do it by hand, we use computers because writing things out by hand is hard. Of course, reliance on machines isn’t a good thing, but using laziness to figure out better ways to do things is a good thing.
- Lazy people don’t start wars. Who wants to go through all the trouble to fight a war? Peace and friendliness is much easier.
Do Less: The Ultimate Simple Productivity
It may seem paradoxical that Do Less can mean you’re more productive — and if you define “productive” as meaning “get more done” or “do more”, then no, Do Less won’t lead to that kind of productivity.
But if instead you define “productivity” as a means of making the most of your actions, of the time you spend working (or doing anything), of being as effective as possible, then Do Less is the best way to be productive.
Consider: I can work all day in a flurry of frenetic activity, only to get a little done, especially when it comes to lasting achievement. Or I can do just a couple things that take an hour, but those are key actions that will lead to real achievement. In the second example, you did less, but the time you spent counted for more.
Let’s take the example of a blogger: I can write a dozen posts that really say nothing, mean nothing, but take up my entire day … or I can write one post that affects thousands of people, that really reaches to the heart of my readers’ lives, and takes me 1.5 hours to write. I did less, but made my words and time count for more.
If you’re lazy, as I often am, then the choice is simple. Do Less.
But do it smartly: Do Less, but make every action count. Send fewer emails, but make them important. Write fewer words, but make each word essential. Really consider the impact of every action you take, and see if you can eliminate some actions. See if you can achieve a great impact doing less.
This doesn’t mean “less is more”. It means “less is better”.
Do Less: Of Everything
But Do Less means much more than being productive. It goes to the heart of everything we do, of our society. Do Less is nothing less than a two-word manifesto for living.
Here’s how the two-word manifesto of “Do Less” can change everything:
1. Do Less buying. If you spend less, shop less, acquire less, then you will own less, need less, get into less debt, be in better financial shape, have less clutter, and have more time for things that are truly important.
2. Do Less busy-work. Instead of running around doing lots of little things, slow down. Do Less. Live a calmer, more peaceful life. Be content to sit, to do nothing. Relax a little. Smile and be happy.
3. Do Less managing. If you are in a position of authority over others, whether it’s as a manager, executive, or parent … the less you do the better. Many people over-manage, or over-parent. This gives their employees, or children, very little freedom, room for creativity, room to learn on their own, to succeed and fail. The less you do, the more others will figure out how to do things. Do little things to guide and teach, but for the most part, back off and let them be.
4. Do Less communicating. Less talking, less yelling, less arguing, less emails and IM and Twittering, less phone calling. While I think communication is extremely important, and should be one of the keys to any relationship, I also think we do it too much. Especially as most of it becomes nothing but jabbering at each other, with very little actual listening. It is noise. Let silence into your life. Let stillness pervade our minds. When you do communicate, make it count, make it sincere, and more than you talk, listen. Make every email count. Only IM when it’s necessary. Spend less time on the phone and Twitter and Blackberry and iPhone, and more time with humans, more time with yourself, more time in the present.
5. Do Less complaining and criticizing. I won’t rant about how these two things can drag down you and those around you … but instead will say that if you did less of these two things, your life would be better. And we all do them — fess up! I do, and I try to do less of it. Instead, do more kindness, compassion, understanding, accepting, loving.
6. Do Less planning and worrying and future thinking. Spend more time in the moment. We worry too much, and it does us no good. We think about things that haven’t happened, instead of what’s happening now (and yes, I know that’s the name of an old sitcom). And while some planning is necessary, too much of it is a waste of time — there’s no way to predict the future, and trying to control every little thing that’s going to happen is futile. Learn to go with the flow, look for opportunities, find the natural path of things, and do what is needed in the moment. You can’t control outcomes, but if you learn to work more fluidly (instead of rigidly following plans), you can get to outcomes that are good.
7. Do Less judging and expecting. Acceptance is something I’m trying to learn to do more. And that means I need to be less judgmental, and stop having expectations from everything and everybody. If you have no expectations, and don’t judge things, you can accept them. And acceptance leads to peace, leads to happiness. So when you find yourself judging, think “Do Less Judging”. When you find yourself expecting someone to be a certain way, think “Do Less Expectations”. People won’t disappoint you that way, because you’ll learn to accept them as they are, and learn that they are already perfect, as they are.
“Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao TzuHow to Do Less
If you are sold on the two-word manifesto — Do Less — you might be saying to yourself, “Self, that sounds good, but how exactly do I go about doing less?” It’s simple:
1. Do Less. Yes, it really is that simple. Do Less. Take how much you usually do, and Do Less than that. If you’re smart, you’ll naturally choose the more essential things to do, but it’s possible that you won’t, and you’ll just choose whatever is easy or convenient or fun. That’s OK. Go with that. Eventually you’ll probably have to do the important stuff, because it probably has to be done sometime. Or maybe you won’t, and you’ll end up getting nothing done. Then you’ll think to yourself, “Self, there has to be a better way. Either I have to go back to doing more, or I have to choose more wisely in what I do.”
2. Then Do Even Less. If you followed the first step, and you’re now doing less than you were before, congratulate yourself! Pat yourself on the back! Celebrate by going to take a nap. Now, when you’re ready to get started again, try to do even less than you were doing in Step 1 above. Pare some of your actions down. Look for more fat to trim. See if some things really aren’t as necessary as you thought they were. Pass some things on to others, automate other things, delay on still others, and get out of doing still others by calling up someone or emailing them and explaining, “I’m sorry, I just can’t do as much as I originally planned.” Now you’re doing less than before!
Repeat. Keep doing less until you’re doing almost nothing. When you’ve reached that point, congratulations! You’re a master. When you can get by with doing nothing at all, you’ve reached Nirvana and enlightenment and you should really be teaching me instead of the other way around. Feel free to come write a guest post for Zen Habits when you’ve reached this state!
Some other ideas to consider when learning to Do Less:
- Go with the flow. Imagine the effort required to swim upstream compared to moving with the flow of a river. If you go with the flow of things, rather than against them, you will naturally do less, and with less effort.
- Don’t force things. A common mistake — trying to hard, forcing something that doesn’t want to be forced, forcing people to do things they don’t want to do. A lot of effort, action, and time is wasted. Instead, find a smoother way — think of water, which flows around things rather than trying to force its way through them.
- Find the pressure points. In martial arts, instead of using maximum force, you are wise to find the points in the body where less force can be used to greater effect, whether that’s to cause pain or imbalance or some other effect. Well, I don’t advocate finding pain, but the idea of pressure points is a good one: if you can find the little spots where a little action can change everything, can go a long way, you have mastered the Do Less philosophy.
- Let others do. Give others the room and freedom to move, to create, to invent, to learn, to work, to do, on their own. Less time, effort and action spent trying to control others means that you do less, but let others make things happen. It means letting go of control, but that’s a good thing. Other people have creativity, imagination, dedication, good ideas too.
- Let things happen. Often our actions interfere with events that would happen without our actions. In other words, if we took no action, things would happen without us. Sometimes it’s better to let things happen. Step back, don’t act, things will happen without us.
“Doing nothing to disturb the spontaneous flow of things.” – Lao Tzu—
If you liked this article, please share it on Delicious or StumbleUpon. I’d appreciate it. :)
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Read more about how and why to Do Less in my book, The Power of Less. Help the book do well! A few ways you can help: buy the book for others, spread the word with friends and family about the website, review the book on your blog. Thanks everyone!
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The Lazt Manifesto: Do Less. Then, Do Even Less.
Friday, January 8, 2010
RIP, Gertrude Bonn Schoonover
I'm not calling because I'm not up to it. Just received the news that Grandma M has passed. She
apparently didn't want a funeral, so she was interred today sans funeral. I guess 30 years to the day that Grandpa Larry passed. She passed away peacefully on Wed. night at an assisted living place with an aid holding her hand. The aid had been a former student of Aunt Elizabeth's, and made the decision in those last minutes not to leave Grandma M to call Elizabeth. She realized that Grandma only had a couple of minutes, and felt that staying with her, holding her hand would serve her better than to take the time out to make that call. I'm so glad for Grandma that she stayed. I'm glad she wasn't alone in her last minutes. I guess if it's O.K., I'll leave the telling of this news to your kids, to you.
France Moves To Outlaw Mental Abuse In Marriages
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122362876&sc=fb&cc=fp
by Eleanor Beardsley
32/16
A proposed law in France would make psychological violence in marriages and among cohabitating couples a criminal offense. Supporters say that if the law passes, it would be the first of its kind in the world.
The bill's aim is to protect women from the verbal threats and intimidation that often lead to physical violence. But skeptics say verbal abuse is next to impossible to prove, and that the law would clog the courts with "he said, she said" cases.
The proposed law covers every kind of insult, including repeated rude remarks about a partner's appearance, false allegations of infidelity and threats of physical violence.
The French parliament is expected to approve the legislation in February, and the government says the law will be in place within six months. If convicted, violators could face fines or jail time.
Some media reports have poked fun at the legislation, jibing that screaming at your wife could now make you a felon in France.
But parliamentarian Martine Billard, who helped draft the bill, says psychological abuse is a serious matter.
"There are situations where the man constantly degrades the woman with his remarks and destroys her, little by little. And this is often done in front of the children," he said. "This law will allow these women to bring charges and rebuild their lives."
Billard rejects critics who say the new law would allow couples to be hauled in for having an argument. She says it must be proved that the abuse is repeated and done with the intention of destroying the victim's dignity.
France already has a law against psychological harassment in the workplace. This one would simply apply an equivalent standard to the home front, Billard says.
A woman dies every two days at the hands of her husband or partner in France, according to crime statistics. The French government recently declared ending violence against women a national cause. Several chilling public-service ads on television warn viewers about conjugal violence, while giving a new telephone hot line to report it.
One TV spot shows viewers how kids learn violence from their parents. Two young children are playing dress-up and having tea. When the tiny wife mistakenly spills some tea in front of her tiny husband, an adult-style clash unfolds.
French Prime Minister Francois Fillon recently unveiled an array of new measures to fight conjugal violence. Among them: electronic bracelets for violent repeat offenders, more women's shelters and booklets about gender equality to be handed out to new immigrants.
"And this new law will allow us to react to insidious situations where the violence leaves the victims destroyed psychologically, but with no physical trace," Fillon said.
On a recent afternoon at a women's shelter in northeast Paris, several mothers and their young children relaxed in a small living room with a children's play area in one corner and a washing machine in another. The shelter provides a temporary escape and counseling for women abused by their partners.
But shelter director Viviane Monnier says that she fears the new law, because it also applies to men, will end up being used in a perverse manner.
"While men inflict physical violence, many people say women engage in psychological violence. We foresee a dangerous situation where this law will lead to charges against the victims by the perpetrators, who will claim they are the victims of verbal abuse," Monnier said.
France will soon find out whether banning psychological abuse helps to diminish domestic violence.
by Eleanor Beardsley
32/16
A proposed law in France would make psychological violence in marriages and among cohabitating couples a criminal offense. Supporters say that if the law passes, it would be the first of its kind in the world.
The bill's aim is to protect women from the verbal threats and intimidation that often lead to physical violence. But skeptics say verbal abuse is next to impossible to prove, and that the law would clog the courts with "he said, she said" cases.
The proposed law covers every kind of insult, including repeated rude remarks about a partner's appearance, false allegations of infidelity and threats of physical violence.
There are situations where the man constantly degrades the woman with his remarks and destroys her, little by little.
Some media reports have poked fun at the legislation, jibing that screaming at your wife could now make you a felon in France.
But parliamentarian Martine Billard, who helped draft the bill, says psychological abuse is a serious matter.
"There are situations where the man constantly degrades the woman with his remarks and destroys her, little by little. And this is often done in front of the children," he said. "This law will allow these women to bring charges and rebuild their lives."
Billard rejects critics who say the new law would allow couples to be hauled in for having an argument. She says it must be proved that the abuse is repeated and done with the intention of destroying the victim's dignity.
France already has a law against psychological harassment in the workplace. This one would simply apply an equivalent standard to the home front, Billard says.
A woman dies every two days at the hands of her husband or partner in France, according to crime statistics. The French government recently declared ending violence against women a national cause. Several chilling public-service ads on television warn viewers about conjugal violence, while giving a new telephone hot line to report it.
While men inflict physical violence, many people say women engage in psychological violence. We foresee a dangerous situation where this law will lead to charges against the victims by the perpetrators.
French Prime Minister Francois Fillon recently unveiled an array of new measures to fight conjugal violence. Among them: electronic bracelets for violent repeat offenders, more women's shelters and booklets about gender equality to be handed out to new immigrants.
"And this new law will allow us to react to insidious situations where the violence leaves the victims destroyed psychologically, but with no physical trace," Fillon said.
On a recent afternoon at a women's shelter in northeast Paris, several mothers and their young children relaxed in a small living room with a children's play area in one corner and a washing machine in another. The shelter provides a temporary escape and counseling for women abused by their partners.
But shelter director Viviane Monnier says that she fears the new law, because it also applies to men, will end up being used in a perverse manner.
"While men inflict physical violence, many people say women engage in psychological violence. We foresee a dangerous situation where this law will lead to charges against the victims by the perpetrators, who will claim they are the victims of verbal abuse," Monnier said.
France will soon find out whether banning psychological abuse helps to diminish domestic violence.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Don't Just Lock Yourself Up and Pretend That You're Happy.
Good advice from Dr. Gregory House, if you ask me; albeit easier said than done!
32/11
32/11
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Morgan at the Nail Salon
Morgan at the Nail Salon
Originally uploaded by Nana Sainton
I LOVE how happy my baby girl looks in this picture.
I sure miss her.
I actually would rather live further away. Knowing how close she is and not having her with me the way things used to be is killing me.
Morgan at the Nail Salon (1)
Morgan at the Nail Salon (1)
Originally uploaded by Nana Sainton
Morgan got her first "French" manicure on Thursday. We had the BEST day shopping and hanging out at the Mall of America. After that, Michele's family and Fabrice joined us to go see the movie AVATAR, which I hated, but Morgan adored. We all went back to Michele and Chris' house, where Monique joined us for a nice spaghetti dinner followed by a rousing game of Apples to Apples.
All in all, the PERFECT New Year's Eve.
I am so thankful for my family, and especially for my kids.
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