Worthless Teenagers and the Parents who Make Them
The following is an email I recently received.
It kept going, but you get the gist.
I got that email a week ago. I cried. It was definitely a “last straw” moment for me.
It’s days like that when I hate opening my inbox. Those days when monstrosities lurk within that completely anger or sadden me. I’ve received at least thirty or forty emails like it in the past seven months. All from teenagers. All from broken, hurting, sad teenagers. My heart has weakened a little more with each and every one of them. In truth, I always feel so lost when I get them. I mean, what can I do other than offer encouraging words in response while I sit on the sidelines being a useless cheerleader for the wounded and bleeding?
[sigh] Today’s post is a long time coming, far overdue, and is probably among the most difficult that I’ve written for a lot of different reasons, most of which are personal to me, some of which will become easily apparent as you continue reading.
Forgive the anger in my voice today. I feel that some strong things need to be said, and I admittedly wrote this post while I was lost in heavy ire over a slew of different things that were going on. I pray that I can speak at least a few words that will make these parents who continue breaking their teenagers stop and think for a damned minute. Because, we have a problem.
Teenagers are idiots.
Teenagers are careless.
Teenagers are stupid.
Teenagers are reckless.
Teenagers are less than beautiful.
Teenagers don’t care enough about the things that matter.
Teenagers care too much about the things that don’t matter.
Teenagers are thoughtless.
Teenagers are inconsiderate.
Teenagers are rude.
Teenagers don’t work hard enough.
Teenagers don’t have their priorities straight.
Teenagers spend too much time thinking about love.
Teenagers don’t spend enough time thinking about school.
Teenagers love to sass and talk back to their parents.
Teenagers love to argue.
Teenagers don’t take care of themselves.
Teenagers are quitters.
Teenagers are lazy.
Teenagers don’t spend enough time with their families.
Teenagers spend far too much time with the wrong people.
Teenagers are walking hormones.
Teenagers are always one mistake away from destroying their lives.
Teenagers are always one bad decision away from premature parenthood.
Teenagers are always one bad decision away from lives ruined with drugs or alcohol.
Teenagers don’t really care about religion.
Teenagers don’t really care about spirituality at all.
Teenagers don’t care what their parents think.
Teenagers don’t want to talk to their parents.
Teenagers are shut off. They are distant. They are uncaring.
Teenagers are, simply put, worthless.
Parents, why the hell do you make life so impossible for your teenagers? Why do you work to make them feel so damned worthless? Why do you set them up for constant failure? Why do you continually labor to strip away every good chance your teenagers have to be everything you demand so regularly that they be?
Do you not get that the world is waiting for them with open jaws, ready to chew them up and spit them out, and that it will not hesitate any time it has the opportunity to do so? Do you not get that around every corner lies hard and inescapable lessons for your teenager? Do you not get that the last place from which your teenagers need to be getting this kind of crap is from you? In your home?
Come on.
You were a teenager once.
Do you not remember how incredibly frustrating, yet distantly conquerable the world was to you then? Do you not remember how difficult finding that delicate balance between your parents, school, your friends, your teachers, and the entire rest of life was? Do you not remember how badly you longed for freedom to really be who you believed yourself to be? To really do what you believed you could do?
I was a teenager once too, and I hated myself, especially as a younger teen. I hated my parents. I hated my family. I hated my peers. I hated my teachers. I hated everybody.
Each day I went to bed feeling… worthless. I felt worthless because the channels of love that I knew deep down should be flowing through my human heart were obstructed. They were clogged. Nothing was flowing in or out. I felt worthless because nobody wanted me around. I felt worthless because nobody cared if I ceased to exist. I felt worthless because I was told that it’s what I should be, and I was told it again, and again, and again. By just about everybody.
Over the course of my teenage years, every rock hard, hurtful, and damaging sentiment I listed above, was one that I myself heard, directed at me, by somebody. Often by those who supposedly “loved me.”
And I’m not alone. I’ve received dozens of emails from teenagers about this, but I’ve received hundreds from adults who still carry the hurt, resentment, and anger from what happened to them during their teenage years. The story is almost always the same. My mom. My dad. My siblings. My grandparents. My peers. My leaders. My teachers. They treated me like crap. They hurt me. They were ruthless. They said things that still haunt me. They said things that I still believe. They said things that are still a part of me. They said things that broke me.
And I have to wonder, why? Why do human freaking beings treat each other in such a way? Why do parents treat their children that way? Why does anybody break anybody?
In the end, I realize that it’s all about one thing.
Power.
Who has the power?
A father who constantly unleashes on his child, impugns his child, or hurts his child wants only one thing.
A mother who constantly berates her child, nags her child, punishes her child, or hurts her child wants only one thing.
And, any teenager who talks back, fights back, or pushes back wants only one thing.
They all want the power. Some power. Any power. All power.
Everybody wants to have the power over everybody else and every situation, and far too many people spend their lives trying to maintain the only thing that actually let’s them feel that power.
Control.
The father who thrives on power, works to control everything (whether he can or not) in his child’s life. He works to make sure that his child will always do and be what he thinks is best. He works to make sure that his child rises to some predetermined and idealistic life-station, and simultaneously he also works to make sure that his child never finds the ability to rise above that station. He works to guarantee that his child will be successful in whatever way he believes success is achieved. He works to force respect. He works to force love. He works to force some sense of a relationship.
The mother who thrives on power, works just as dutifully to control everything (whether she can or not) in her child’s life. She works to make sure her child always believes exactly what she believes. She works to make sure her child always learns the lessons that she believes need to be learned. She works to mold her child into the person she believes her child should be molded into. And, just like the power-craving father, she also works to force respect, love, and the non-existent relationship but forced relationship.
But let’s be honest. None of it can be forced. Ever. Maybe it can be faked for a while, but it’s impossible to force.
For the parents who constantly find themselves throwing their arms up in frustration after ugly and recurrent power struggles with their teenagers… I’m going to let you in on a little secret. If you can absorb it, understand it, and believe it, I can promise you this. Your life as the parent of a teenager will improve. You ready for the secret?
You can’t make your teenager believe what you believe, any more than you can make a child fall asleep at naptime.
You can’t make your teenager live the life you want her to live.
You can’t make your teenager respect you.
You can’t make your teenager love you.
And you can’t make your teenager be a part of a relationship, have feelings, or have respect that doesn’t actually exist.
Do you not see? What you can do, and what you almost always will do when you try, is build resentment and bitterness in your teenager. You build apathy. You build wrongly-guided determination. You build a need for independence. You build a need for life experience that doesn’t involve you.
And when your teenagers develop these needs… they will almost always find a way to fulfill those requirements, and you’re probably not going to like the way they go about doing it.
The great irony, of course, is that when teenagers do desperately seek a way to satisfy those needs, parents tend to wrap their children’s actions under one blanketed and nonsensically misleading term. Rebellion. My kid is rebellious. My kid is a typical teenager. My kid has an attitude. My kid doesn’t listen. My kid does the exact opposite of what I tell him to do. It’s always our kid’s fault, and never our own.
Why do parents not get that the sooner they stop trying to control their teenagers with their hurtful words, insults, demands, punishments, schedules, requirements, and actions, the sooner their kids will start stepping up to the plate on their own? Why do parents not get that the sooner they stop trying to force their beliefs onto their children, the sooner their children will actually question those beliefs enough to make them their own? And why do parents not get that the sooner they work toward love instead of for power, the sooner they’ll get love and the less they’ll have any need for power? Why don’t they get that?
The 16-year old girl who sent me the email above has a mother and a father who pursue after the power so relentlessly, and are trying to control having that power and control so consistently, that they are pushing their teenager into dark places that no real parent wants their child to be. And they probably don’t even know they’re doing it. If I had to guess, they’re probably going to their neighborhood barbecues and their soccer games and their Bunco parties, telling their buddies and their girlfriends just how rotten a person their daughter is. They’re probably painting some grim picture of how hard life is for them, parenting such a lost and troubled individual. And here’s the kicker. They’re probably convinced that it’s all true, too.
“i was wondering if you could help me know what to do, cause i am at the point that i hate myself and anybody else and i feel like theres no hope and i thought that you might be able to give me some advise”
Mom and Dad, your need for power has sent your daughter on a search for help across the internet, and into the inbox of a 30-year old man you don’t know from Adam. Is that really what you want?
“my mom is always screeming at me and her and my dad don’t love me and i don’t know why cause i try to do everything i can”
Was the pursuit of power worth it? Your child feels completely unloved by you. Was that your intention? Are you at all aware of this? I’m guessing not. You probably think she deserves everything you always hand out to her. Are you at all aware that your child, deep down, believes she is really trying? I’m guessing not. You probably think she’s a waste of space. Oh wait… you actually do…
“i'm not a bad kid but they always tell me i am in fact my mom today sayd that i am one of gods biggest mistakes cause i slept threw my alarm and missed my bus.”
Your need for power gave you one thing here, Mom. A child who now feels like sleeping through an alarm is one of life’s worst problems. A child, who in all likelihood grasps the infiniteness of God and the universe a lot more than you think she does, and has now taken your words to heart. In fact, she’s internalized them enough that she officially hates herself. But even though you’re dead wrong, maybe you’re right. Maybe your child is one of God’s greatest mistakes. Your desperation to keep your child from missing another bus (aka control) made you say things that made your child believe that. Bravo.
“my dad doesnt ever hit me but he is always calling me an idiot or a retard or stuff like that”
Kudos dad. You’ve trained your daughter well. She officially thinks that being called an idiot or a retard is less hurtful than being physically battered. Next time, maybe you should shut your mouth and just hit your kid. The pain will disappear in minutes instead of decades, and child services will have something more concrete to work with, just be sure to leave a bruise or two. Sticks and stones, old man.
“anyway at school i don’t really have very many friends cause i'm to shy i guess.”
Once again, mad props to both parents. You’ve trained your daughter to believe that she’s shy. But she’s not. Put your iced teas and your noses down, and read the rest of the damn email. She knows that she’s not shy. She also knows that you two have taken away all of her self-confidence. All of her value. All of her spirit. She knows that her problems at school have trickled all the way down from home. And she’s desperate to change the direction of that ugly flow.
“i don’t know what to do cause i am just wanting to give up even trying anymore cause why should i?”
I can’t say I blame you. I can tell you why you shouldn’t give up though. You’re amazing. You’re beautiful. You’re incredible. And there will come a day when you will have the chance to learn that about yourself.
“have you ever felt like nobody cares if you just disappear cause i really feel that way even with my parents.”
Mom and Dad.
Damn it.
You have failed.
So fix it.
Just fix it. I don’t care what it takes. Unbreak your child.
It is not your teenager’s job to learn how to be a better teenager. It is your job to learn how to be a better parent to your teenager. If you can do that, your teenager’s behavior will improve. Your relationship will improve. You’ll start to see truly amazing and jaw-dropping things happen. But it has to start with you. It’s the ultimate and indisputable rule of parenting.
Stop and think for a damned second.
Do you not realize who your teenager is?
Your daughter is smart. Your daughter is beautiful. Your daughter is incredible. Your daughter is bound for great things!
Your son is gifted. Your son is intelligent. Your son is capable of anything. Your son will accomplish the impossible!
Why can’t parents see that they must begin labeling their teenagers with the empowering and beautiful words that will push these kids toward greater things? Why can’t they see that they must declare their confidence and faith in their nearly grown children? Why can’t they see that they must trust those children, even when that trust seems impossible or ill-founded? Why can’t they see that they must stop believing society’s many horrid and false stereotypes of teenagers? Why can’t they see that they must turn the tables on everything so many of us joke and believe teenagers to be?
Why can’t parents see that they must start expecting everything from their teenagers, but demanding nothing?
Maybe they don’t realize who their teenagers are. Maybe they don’t see just how fragile and human their children still are. Maybe they don’t get that there is far more to them than what meets the eye.
I was different than what anybody thought I was. I was more than what anybody believed me to be. I was destined for greater things than anybody ever gave me credit for.
For example, I had a heart that nobody seemed to know about. Somehow, in the midst of the constant hate I was feeling, and in the midst of the deep depression that often overtook me, I was desperate to love. Oh, I was desperate to be loved too, but I was far more desperate to love others. I was far more desperate to move past the consuming anger and hatred that I seemed to permanently feel, and actually love another person the way nobody, I felt at the time, had really loved me.
I was also ambitious. I was also smart. I was also gifted.
I was artistic. I was strong. I was capable. I was faithful. I was beautiful.
I just wanted some power. I needed some power. I needed to control parts of my own life, and nobody would let me. The world worked to make it as impossible as they could for me. And so, feeling completely powerless, I shut myself off, I pushed others away, and I secretly shifted between thoughts of my own extinction and thoughts of the freedom I would one day have if I could just make it to 18. You see, those were the only two ways that I felt I would ever have any power at all. Grow up or give up.
And the truth is, your daughter wants and needs some power, too. Your son wants and needs some power, too. You also want power. But, I ask, what’s the cold and very real difference between your wants and your teenager’s wants? Your teenager wants power over his or her own life. You want power over the life of your teenager. You want power over the life of somebody who is only years or months from jumping into their adult life without you as their controller and superior. Doesn’t that scare you a little bit? Doesn’t it scare you to know that you’re trying to control everything until your child leaves home? Doesn’t it scare you to think about what will happen when that control disappears, basically overnight? Don’t you see the value in controlling your teenager less while you still have a chance and you still have an ultimate say in how things go down?
If you take anything from this post today, I want you to take this. It is okay that your teenager wins sometimes. It is okay that your teenager is right sometimes. It is okay that your teenager thinks for herself. It is okay that they your teenager makes mistakes. It is okay that your teenager botches it up once in awhile. It is okay that your teenager is human.
Everybody needs to win once in a while. Everybody. If you never let your teenagers win, beating you will become the most important thing to them. And they will win; if not now, they’ll win eventually. It’s their life, and one day you’re not going to have a say. It’s time you see that. It’s time you believe that.
And it’s time you start letting them go.
It’s time you stop fearing what bad effects losing control and power of your teenager will have. It’s time you stop believing that giving them any power and control is the guaranteed beginning of their failure as adults. It’s time you stop insisting that their lives need to swing the way you want them to. More than anything, it’s time you stop making your teenagers feel worthless in your attempts to do everything else.
If you can’t, and if they do enter the grown-up world feeling worthless, every decision they ever make will revolve around that worthlessness. What they do in school, their careers, in relationships, and with you. It will all be affected. It will all hinge on unhealthy perspective. Everything. Every decision. Every minute of every freaking day.
Last I checked, people who feel worthless don’t make a lot of great choices.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
I’d be very appreciative if you’d take a second and share today’s post. You never know who will benefit or what kind of discussion and debate you will stir up. You just never know.
I’d also love to hear your thoughts, no matter what those thoughts might be.
NOTE: This post is the fourth and final in a series of posts that I have shared over the last seven months. If you haven't yet, please read the other three.http://www.danoah.com/2011/04/worthless-teenagers-and-parents-who.html
NOTE: This post is the fourth and final in a series of posts that I have shared over the last seven months. If you haven't yet, please read the other three.http://www.danoah.com/2011/04/worthless-teenagers-and-parents-who.html
Teenagers need guidance from parents. Praise when they do a good job. A thank you when they did something nice or unexpected. Understanding when they make mistakes. And most of all the knowledge that no matter what their problem is, not always the solution they would like, but a solution can be found.
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