I was sick forever. Painfully so. Endometriosis, PCOS, a botched ilioinguinal hernia repair, bladder surgery, self-catheterization imposed due to my inability to pee, scar tissue everywhere, vulvar vestibulitis, DVT, interstitial cystitis, limping, difficulty walking, depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, agoraphobia, hypothyroidism. The list goes on. For a couple of years there, I only left the house to go to the doctor. I had woken up from the total hysterectomy and bi-lateral salpingo-oophorectomy on April 15, 2001 feeling better than I had ever felt.
I thought my last surgery, on February 2, 2002, was the end of that. But noooooooo, it’s pretty dang sure I have diaphragmatic endometriosis. I am in constant pain. I have difficulty sleeping. I have had this unrelenting pain in my back since before 2001, but it was nothing in comparison to the rest. That pain never went away. And I get this funky a$$ed pain under my rib cage. It hurts me to stand. Or walk more than five feet. I have pain in my right shoulder, difficulty breathing, fatigue, despair, etc. They have checked my lungs, done x-rays, MRIs, etc., the lungs are fine. The ribs are fine. It’s almost certainly diaphragmatic endometriosis.
I can’t do this again. I just can’t. All those years of being sick, and sick of doctors, and in pain... I can’t take the pain. Tylenol is almost as effective as gumdrops. Ibuprofen takes the edge off. I was on fentanyl for a while. That helped with the pain, but is no way to live.
And I no longer have health insurance.
All I can do is cry.
And go back to France where they have universal healthcare.
As if things weren’t bad enough between us, Fabrice is going to kill me. I’ll probably leave him here to fulfill his dreams, while I go do what I have to to get this taken care of.
I’m so tired of hurting and even more tired of being sad.
I really can’t do this again.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
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